Felipe Steinberg

# Not I, Not Here

. . . hope . . . hope this finds . . . this hope . . . in those crazy times . . . new time . . . before its time . . . staying safe and physically . . . mentaly? . . . well? . . . into this . . . out into this . . . hope this finds you well . . . those weird times . . . loved ones . . . safe and well . . . loved ones . . . meow . . . we fought . . . meow . . . I hope . . . hope this finds . . . in those crazy times . . . casual aggressive fights . . . family . . . cuz . . . feelings . . . express our feelings . . . unlike . . . christian people . . . suppressed . . . hope . . . again, I wish you . . . terrible . . . deal with police . . . leave the house . . . ok . . . food and supplies? . . . 1929, 2008, 2020 . . . ok . . . 1929, 2008, 2020 . . . enforcing . . . shame them . . . fines . . . fine them . . . shut down . . . only two cops in town . . . surf . . . make money again? . . . make you feel better? . . . mask . . . close . . . even shopping . . . out shopping . . . busy shopping centre . . . supermart . . . just hand in the list . . . with the bag . . . old black shopping bag . . . then stand there waiting . . . any length of time . . . middle of the throng . . . motionless . . . staring into space . . . mouth half open as usual . . . till it was back in her hand . . . the bag back in hand . . . then pay and go . . . not as much as good-bye . . . sorry . . . sorry for not being in touch . . . low operation . . . yet . . . cabin fever yet . . . fever . . . cabin . . . yet . . . fever . . . what? . . . who? . . . no! . . . they! [PAUSE] realized . . . words were coming . . . imagine! . . . words were coming . . . a voice they did not recognize at first so long since it had sounded . . . then finally had to admit . . . could be none other . . . than their own . . . certain vowel sounds . . . they had never heard . . . elsewhere . . . found ourselves . . . in hope . . . I hope this finds you . . . well . . . hope . . . will this end . . . end . . . stuck in Amman for a year . . . are you aliveeee? . . . skype . . . let’s . . . skype . . . I can not . . . crazy . . . indoors . . . crazy . . . don’t . . . don’t know . . . get married . . . I mean . . . I cannot! . . . I mean . . . feels bad . . . guilty . . . a flight . . . an airport in the city . . . world we left behind . . . heart . . . hospital . . . fight . . . shower . . . dead . . . maybe we already dead . . . don’t know . . . in the age of seclusion . . . age . . . carpet . . . dead carpet . . . face the carpet . . . home . . . face the cooper . . . face-time . . . let’s skype . . .don’t . . . don’t go . . . don’t . . . don’t . . . poor little thing . . . may . . . might . . . we may . . . may we come out of this . . . fast and as strong as we can . . . the buzzing . . . the application . . .  work . . . work home . . . the labour is to be home . . . office . . boss . . . sick . . . . cripled . . . overtime . . . over hour . . . screen time . . . sorry I have a skype . . . send the link . . . the link . . . the video . . . the post . . . open . . . open . . . open . . . break up . . . always told you . . . I love . . . I love you . . . I can not . . . 10 years of loving you . . . what? . . who? . . no! . . . they! . . . [Pause] . . . crazy time . . . I hope . . . this finds . . . I hope  this . . . this . . . what’s going on . . . why you lied to me . . . open the relationship . . . they are not doing well . . . how . . . walk . . . walk . . . whatsapp . . . the dog . . . dog . . . afraid of your own hands . . . my hands . . . hands . . . my enemy . . . she is weird . . . what did we do . . . how old . . . old are you? . . . if we die we die . . . tiny little thing . . . out before its time . . . godforsaken hole . . . no love . . . spared that . . . speechless all days . . . practically speechless . . . even themselves . . . never out loud . . . but not completely . . . good God! . . . Ha Ha Ha! . . . April morning . . . L O L . . . face in the carpet . . . nothing but the screen . . . pick it up there . . . what? . . not that? . . nothing to do with that? . . nothing they could tell? . . . all right . . . nothing they could tell . . . try something else . . . think of something else . . . oh long after . . . secret garden . . . sudden flash . . . not that either . . . all right . . . something else again . . . so on . . . hit on it. . . think everything . . . keep on . . . long enough . . . 1929, 2008, 2020 . . . . I hope this finds . . . finds . . .

THE END